hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
