dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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