Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
