i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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