I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
