Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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