When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I met the friendliest cop last night
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
