I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
