a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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