Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
