grandma shit on top of the toilet
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize