she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize