i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
this will be a night to untag.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize