Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Bring me that man meat
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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