my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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