I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize