I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
