Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
