Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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