My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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