False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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