ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
