I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
