Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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