I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
