Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
