dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize