we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
