Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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