are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
