just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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