I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Randomize
