Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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