If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
