I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
