He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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