I wish I could punch you in the face.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
