I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
