We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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