You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
