did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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