I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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