Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize