genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
