i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Randomize