Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
