I met the friendliest cop last night
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
