there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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