Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
