She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
