We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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