the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
