we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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