Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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