your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
