It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize