do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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