You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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