What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
