If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
It was confusing and full of hummus
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
