Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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